Why are you single?

If you’re single, I’m sure you’ve asked yourself more than once: “Why me?” As for the answer, chances are your friends and family may have been more than, ahem, generous in offering their opinions, and I’ll bet that little voice in your head has had a say, too. But before you find fault in what you’re doing on the dating scene, take a look at what you’re thinking. You may simply be suffering from a slight spell of dating pessimism.

I look at dating this way: sometimes it’s not about what actually happens on dates; rather, it’s your explanation of what happened that makes all the difference in your attitude about love, your dating style, and the energy you’re radiating in the presence of your matches. It’s a theory that Martin Seligman, Ph.D., the father of positive psychology and author of Authentic Happiness calls your “explanatory style.” He says that pessimists explain their problems as pervasive (“No one likes me”), permanent (“I’ll be alone forever”) and personal (“I’m not gorgeous enough”). But you’re far more likely to land in a great relationship if you’re an optimist, which means it’s time to start looking at your negative dating experiences as “atypical,” “temporary” and “not about me.”

Here, for example, are some of the most common (and frustrating) reasons that people believe they aren’t going to find someone to date. If you’ve ever said any of the statements below, I’ll help you pep-talk yourself through the pessimism and remind you of qualities to focus on instead in order to prepare yourself for a successful relationship.

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Three key questions to answer before commitment

The signs of love problems with your honey were obvious from day one. But not only did you ignore them, you flung yourself into the romance without caution! Now you’re seriously considering whether to seal the deal.

You’re not alone. Everyone miscalculates love options from time to time, including the rich and famous. After 12 years of marriage, gorgeous supermodel and actress Christie Brinkley conceded that she really didn’t know the husband she was in the midst of divorcing. More recently, two not-so-rich and definitely not famous fiancées of murderers insisted to the media that they knew their men were really good guys — until the evidence became irrefutable. And a reader emailed me that after four years of marriage, without warning, his wife announced she could no longer be with him. This guy insisted his ex’s announcement was without warning. As my Gilda-Gram says, “No act of ‘un-love’ is random!” There are always reasons and there are always signs. And sometimes we intentionally miss the flashing neon indicators without understanding why.

Because my own shortsightedness and rationalizations did me in, I devised this Gilda-Gram for love that appears to be in question: “When in doubt, do without.” So that’s my answer to anyone in this quandary. But if you’re still unsure about infinity with your sweetie, here’s an assignment for you: Recognize your patterns of denial. Sadly, most of us keep connecting with, and even re-marrying, the same personality types — until we can’t take it anymore.

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